Peace Amidst a Mental Battle

Hi Friend, let’s check-in. How is everything going? How are you doing? What’s stirring within you right now? If you don’t know, take a minute and check-in with yourself. I’ll be here when you come back. 

How are you doing my friend? I hope that was a good centering moment for you. It’s been an incredibly long couple of days for me—How has it been for you? Quite the mental battle for me lately but I am here, I am alive, and I am blessed.

Suppressing Emotions

I’ve been running away and trying to numb myself by consuming a lot of media lately. Between TikTok, Instagram, Facebook, the list could go on. I tend to do this a lot—sometimes even subconsciously— when I’m trying to avoid something. Almost all of those times it’s me that I’m running away from. It’s easier to run away from your problems, distract yourself, and get a quick release of dopamine. I mean, ya girl will spend HOURS scrolling through TikTok, fighting every urge to fall asleep just because I don’t want to lay there for 30 seconds with my thoughts. I’ve convinced myself that it’s easier to do that than to lay there and process the turmoil of emotions running through my body and mind. 

If you know me personally you know that my struggle with depression and anxiety has been a long journey. Depression comes from surpressing and not processing our emotions. It’s when we hold these emotions in or run from them that they come up in this form. The energy and impact that our emotions produce are absorbed into our bodies and the inability to release these emotions will cause the body to shut down or release the tension on its own terms—aka depression/anxiety. 

Process Emotions

I’ve been doing a lot of running and “not processing” lately so I decided for just a weekend, I was going to do a social media detox. Oh mann— when I say your girl was holding a lot in, I was holding A LOT in. Within the first day, I realized just how much emotion I was suppressing and running away from. The loneliness, the exhaustion, the frustration, it all came up so wildly that my mental self just shut down. Honestly, for some time, I didn’t even realize these emotions coming up were emotions that I had been carrying. They came back like a needy dog I had separated from and suddenly it overbearingly wanted all of my attention. Imagine all these surfacing emotions as that anxious overwhelmed puppy. Anyone who has either owns a dog or knows someone who has their own dog knows that as soon as you return home that dog is barking, jumping, whining, literally doing anything they know how to express how much they’ve missed and longed for you, to get your attention. 

My body was detoxing from all of the distractions and dopamine I kept shoving my emotions down with. I found myself reaching for my phone constantly throughout the day. There was an abundance of feelings that day—some of which I have yet to process—I spent a lot of my time drifting from sleep, crying, and longing for something I could not describe or place.

I had gotten to a place in these past few months of great consultation. I was finally able to process my emotions, understanding why I felt certain feelings, or what may have been their triggers. So to step backward and realize I was in that place once again where I felt I had no control, rhyme, or reason for my uprising of emotions, I was at a loss. I began to feel anger, frustration, and even confusion with myself. I spent the end of 2019 and most of 2020 in waves of depression and I starting to feel like I finally caught the wave and was riding it well. I didn’t understand why I was back “here.” I was afraid, I was terrified that all these emotions meant I was falling back under. And I was fearful of having to fight that long and difficult battle again when it felt as if I had just gotten out. 

Seek Support and Comfort

Of course, I did the responsible—and equally difficult thing— I reached out to my support system. I also checked in with a good friend. Amidst everything this person had been on my mind so I decided to call them. There was just something that told me I needed to check in on them. They ended up sharing with me that they too have been having a hard time and they either didn’t want to accept what was emotionally happening in their lives or wasn’t ready to. The advice that I ended up sharing with this friend was the advice that I needed to hear myself. That advice: just be. Simply allow yourself to be.

Whatever you’re going through, just be. So what if you don’t know how you’re feeling? So what if you don’t know why you need to process or if you even have to process anything? So what if you can’t explain why you’re in the state that you are? The point here isn’t to continue to run the opposite direction and ignore what is going on—That’s not the solution. The point is to accept what is going on within you for whatever it is or whatever it may be presenting itself as. Right now, in all of the confusion and turmoil of emotions, I don’t need to solve the issue. I need to simply allow myself to be. To be without judgment. To be without expectations. To be without conditions. To be present, accepted, and loved. 

Sometimes that answer is just that simple. Sometimes, we just need someone to hear us, to validate us, to see us, or to simply just sit with us. This is the affirmation we need so why not give it to ourselves? You don’t need to give yourself the added pressure of trying to process, justify, or explain what you’re going through or what you’ve been through. But what you should can do is affirm yourself. Hear yourself. Validate yourself and your emotions. See yourself in the present moment and whatever extra baggage that comes with it. Do yourself the favor and not judge yourself for it. Instead, let yourself be and simply be there, present with yourself. 

This is me, 

As Myself