Vietnamese Representation

If you haven’t been following pop culture lately, Disney has a new film: “Raya and The Last Dragon”. The story follows a warrior princess as she fights to find the last dragon to save the world! Not only does this movie take inspiration from South East Asian Cultures the cast is filled with Asian presentations from production to casting. Kelly Marie Tran is the first Vietnamese actress (in this case voice actress) to take a leading role in a Disney film.

To say that I am “over the moon” would be an absolute understatement.

First, if you haven’t seen it already, pictures are all over the internet and Kelly Tran KILLED IT at Disney’s Virtual Premiere for the film. She beautifully represented the Vietnamese culture wearing an Áo Dài (Vietnamese cultural dress) and Khăn Đống (formal headpiece worn for special occasions) designed by Thai Nguyen (Host of Netflix’s “Say I Do”).

Designer: @ThaiNguyenAtelier | Image: @goldhouseco

 The Younger Me is Crying

Here’s why this is such a big deal, representation. Vietnamese Representation. As a child, I was very fortunate to be able to go to Disney World. My parents had to sacrifice a lot for my siblings and me to go on that trip (thank you mom and dad) and those are memories we cherish to this day. One of my fondest memories? Meeting Mulan. She was so beautiful in her Hanfu Chinese traditional gown, or from my understanding that is. I remember meeting her and how amazing it felt that amongst all the European Princesses there was an Asian Princess. She had the same eye color as me, the same hair color, the same skin, and the same features. Young me could not have been more thrilled. I loved Mulan. She was literally the only Asian (woman) representation I had as a child but she was still Chinese.  Bruce Lee, Jet Lee, and Jackie Chan were also Asian representations that I grew up with, again still not Vietnamese.

Today as a “more mature” young woman—yes, I am far from old at this point — my heart is overwhelmed with pride. Kelly represented us, our culture, our heritage so proudly and beautifully at this premiere. This. This is such a big deal and so much more. This means SO. Much. More. Okay, I know that Raya “Warrior Princess“ is not Vietnamese but broadly of southeast Asian descent but Kelly’s bold representation at the premiere has me in all my feels. I can’t help but think back and reimagining that same childhood memory not meeting Mulan but instead a Vietnamese Princess wearing an Áo Dài and Khăn Đống. Or even now, as a grown woman to be able to witness a Vietnamese Disney Princess, this is what the younger me needed. I can feel the younger version of myself swelling with pride and don’t get me started on what this means for all the young Vietnamese girls growing up now.

Representation of our people and of our cultures is so important. Representation is important, period, no matter the culture, nationality, sexual orientation, belief, etc.

Representation of our people and of our cultures is so important. Representation is important, period, no matter the culture, nationality, sexual orientation, belief, etc. In a time when everything around us seems to be going to crap, l genuinely believe that as a people—even if it’s a small number of us—we are evolving to be a more loving and inclusive people. A people that are more willing to not only stand up for equality and what is right but also a people that are willing to learn, accept, and be more understanding. Just as much as I see hate and despair in this world I also see the counteract of love, kindness, and the people fighting for it. This fight and eagerness bring me so much hope for our future.  

Image: @ThaiNguyenAtelier

I haven’t even watched this movie yet, but thank you Disney for this movie. Thank you to the cast, producers, and everyone involved in making this movie. Most importantly thank you Kelly Tran and Thai Nguyen for being the spearheads in representing our people in your fields. This means everything and so much more.

This is me,

AsMyself

Peace Amidst a Mental Battle

Hi Friend, let’s check-in. How is everything going? How are you doing? What’s stirring within you right now? If you don’t know, take a minute and check-in with yourself. I’ll be here when you come back. 

How are you doing my friend? I hope that was a good centering moment for you. It’s been an incredibly long couple of days for me—How has it been for you? Quite the mental battle for me lately but I am here, I am alive, and I am blessed.

Suppressing Emotions

I’ve been running away and trying to numb myself by consuming a lot of media lately. Between TikTok, Instagram, Facebook, the list could go on. I tend to do this a lot—sometimes even subconsciously— when I’m trying to avoid something. Almost all of those times it’s me that I’m running away from. It’s easier to run away from your problems, distract yourself, and get a quick release of dopamine. I mean, ya girl will spend HOURS scrolling through TikTok, fighting every urge to fall asleep just because I don’t want to lay there for 30 seconds with my thoughts. I’ve convinced myself that it’s easier to do that than to lay there and process the turmoil of emotions running through my body and mind. 

If you know me personally you know that my struggle with depression and anxiety has been a long journey. Depression comes from surpressing and not processing our emotions. It’s when we hold these emotions in or run from them that they come up in this form. The energy and impact that our emotions produce are absorbed into our bodies and the inability to release these emotions will cause the body to shut down or release the tension on its own terms—aka depression/anxiety. 

Process Emotions

I’ve been doing a lot of running and “not processing” lately so I decided for just a weekend, I was going to do a social media detox. Oh mann— when I say your girl was holding a lot in, I was holding A LOT in. Within the first day, I realized just how much emotion I was suppressing and running away from. The loneliness, the exhaustion, the frustration, it all came up so wildly that my mental self just shut down. Honestly, for some time, I didn’t even realize these emotions coming up were emotions that I had been carrying. They came back like a needy dog I had separated from and suddenly it overbearingly wanted all of my attention. Imagine all these surfacing emotions as that anxious overwhelmed puppy. Anyone who has either owns a dog or knows someone who has their own dog knows that as soon as you return home that dog is barking, jumping, whining, literally doing anything they know how to express how much they’ve missed and longed for you, to get your attention. 

My body was detoxing from all of the distractions and dopamine I kept shoving my emotions down with. I found myself reaching for my phone constantly throughout the day. There was an abundance of feelings that day—some of which I have yet to process—I spent a lot of my time drifting from sleep, crying, and longing for something I could not describe or place.

I had gotten to a place in these past few months of great consultation. I was finally able to process my emotions, understanding why I felt certain feelings, or what may have been their triggers. So to step backward and realize I was in that place once again where I felt I had no control, rhyme, or reason for my uprising of emotions, I was at a loss. I began to feel anger, frustration, and even confusion with myself. I spent the end of 2019 and most of 2020 in waves of depression and I starting to feel like I finally caught the wave and was riding it well. I didn’t understand why I was back “here.” I was afraid, I was terrified that all these emotions meant I was falling back under. And I was fearful of having to fight that long and difficult battle again when it felt as if I had just gotten out. 

Seek Support and Comfort

Of course, I did the responsible—and equally difficult thing— I reached out to my support system. I also checked in with a good friend. Amidst everything this person had been on my mind so I decided to call them. There was just something that told me I needed to check in on them. They ended up sharing with me that they too have been having a hard time and they either didn’t want to accept what was emotionally happening in their lives or wasn’t ready to. The advice that I ended up sharing with this friend was the advice that I needed to hear myself. That advice: just be. Simply allow yourself to be.

Whatever you’re going through, just be. So what if you don’t know how you’re feeling? So what if you don’t know why you need to process or if you even have to process anything? So what if you can’t explain why you’re in the state that you are? The point here isn’t to continue to run the opposite direction and ignore what is going on—That’s not the solution. The point is to accept what is going on within you for whatever it is or whatever it may be presenting itself as. Right now, in all of the confusion and turmoil of emotions, I don’t need to solve the issue. I need to simply allow myself to be. To be without judgment. To be without expectations. To be without conditions. To be present, accepted, and loved. 

Sometimes that answer is just that simple. Sometimes, we just need someone to hear us, to validate us, to see us, or to simply just sit with us. This is the affirmation we need so why not give it to ourselves? You don’t need to give yourself the added pressure of trying to process, justify, or explain what you’re going through or what you’ve been through. But what you should can do is affirm yourself. Hear yourself. Validate yourself and your emotions. See yourself in the present moment and whatever extra baggage that comes with it. Do yourself the favor and not judge yourself for it. Instead, let yourself be and simply be there, present with yourself. 

This is me, 

As Myself

Reprogramming Perfectionism

Hi Friends! Lets it’s been a few weeks since we’ve last caught up. Since then, I’ve started school again and had to make some major adjustments in my personal life. In the past 3 weeks, I’ve had more breakdowns than I can remember, accompanied by the occasional anxiety attack. Imagine being thrown in the deep end of a pool, and not knowing how to swim, while everyone around you is trying to help but you can’t stay up long enough to catch your breath. That’s how I can describe what it’s been like. But this post isn’t about that. This post is about what reflecting upon these past few weeks has made me realize. Resurfacing the old habit of over-expectations and above all the need to be and to have all things perfect. 

Perfectionism is a Box that you create yourself. 

Being perfect is something I’ve always struggled with. This stems from the desperate need to be accepted and people-please. I speak briefly about people-pleasing and boundaries here if you’d like to know more about my take on it. Like I said before, I had a really hard time these past few weeks. The more I tried to control everything around me the more difficult things became and without realizing it I had put myself back in that box. The walls around me? Goals, Expectations, and Conditions, mix it with sugar and spice and there is nothin’ nice coming out of it. Let me break down for you.

Too Many Goals 

Goals are great; goals are not bad. In fact, I think you need to set appropriate goals for yourself in order to achieve what you want in life!  But you also need to know yourself and your limits. When you set too many goals and tie them to unrealistic expectations you’re setting yourself up for failure. I do this often. I’d consider myself a very determined person, and with this quality, I’m constantly setting goals to keep me “on the right track” or assure that I’m moving forward, which, isn’t in itself a bad thing. But like I said before, I set too many goals. My timeline for myself at times is unrealistic, and often doesn’t allow me the space to live, or as one would put it “stop and smell the roses.” OR “stop and figure out who farted” (Haha, I don’t know why that phrase popped in my head, I had to share it. Lol sorry.) ANYWAY!

You're only here for a short visit. Don't hurry. Don't worry. And be sure to smell the flowers along the way.

“The Walter Hagen Story”

Unrealistic Expectations 

If you’re a perfectionist like me you know exactly what I’m talking about. Perfectionism, the refusal to accept any standard other than perfect. (Dictionary.com < lol I dont even know if thats how you’re suppose to site. And why did I feel the need to site the dictionary in my own blog?) The definition in itself is an unrealistic expectation. Who and what are actually perfect anyway? I mean, besides God or Beyonce (Not that I’m comparing Beyonce to God but like… come on, the woman is… perfect. I’d bet a few friends would even say BTS is perfection but let’s not get into that here). What I’m trying to say is, as a perfectionist, I’m pretty freakin’ hard on myself. I give myself wayyy too many goals/tasks and set absolutely unrealistic deadlines. I compare myself to others in almost every aspect and then beat myself up when I don’t measure up. And just because I’m also a People Pleaser, I project and assume what is expected of me and do that too. How is that even fair? But the king of Unrealistic Expectations is Time. 

The pressure of time can be its own category in itself! At least for me, I feel like I can never have enough time. Why do you think I set my goals according to a timeline? I always do it and you know what? I don’t think I’ve ever completed a goal within the time frame that I set for myself. But the thing is, it’s not just the timelines that I set but the pressures of meeting social standards as well! A society that expects us to be beautiful, find love, be successful, and all before our bodies have even fully grown into itself. Oh, the American Dream. Yet, another unrealistic expectation for my perfectionistic self. 

Conditions 

Oh, you thought that was it? HA! The excessive goal settings and the unrealistic expectations aren’t even the half of it. As if these things weren’t weighing me down already, I have the audacity to set conditions to it. “If this goal/expectation isn’t met it’s because…” or “...then I am…” typically following with a statement that either belittles me or belittles the things I have accomplished/currently doing. It’s like self-punishment as if we needed another person to beat down on us right?

Living Un-perfectly

I’m not going to sit here and pretend that I’ve figured it out or that I’m suddenly cured of my perfectionism because honestly, 3 weeks of falling back into the hole of the constant need of control are what brought me here. It’s a never ending cycle of trying to control the uncontrollable and then being all dark, depressy, and even frustrated about how I “try so hard and things never go my way.” If you’ve related to this blog post let this be a reminder to the both of us. Life is unpredictable. PEOPLE, are unpredictable, including yourself. Go easy on yourself. You’re doing amazingly. You’ve DONE amazingly up until now even with all your hiccups! Don’t put yourself in a box. I can’t count how many times things didn’t go as planned but always turned out better. So what if you’re not where you thought you’d be at this age and time. Maybe you’re not supposed to be there. Maybe, what you’ve imagined for yourself is nowhere near what has been imagined for you. 

This is me, 

AsMyself

Loving Boundaries

Hi Friend!

Let’s talk about boundaries. And no, I’m not talking about the boundaries we set around us like fences or gates or even borders between states and countries. I’m talking about in-your-face Personal Boundaries; The “you can’t sit with us” type of boundaries and the “I suck at saying ‘no’” type. Raise your hand if you are one of those people.

Do you even have Boundaries? 

Before I go on a whole post about boundaries first, what are Personal Boundaries? “Boundaries are personal property lines that define who you are and who you are not, and influence all areas of your life.” Henry Cloud, Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No, To Take Control of Your Life.

In laymen’s terms, Boundaries are imaginary lines that we set for ourselves and others to make sure that we are comfortable and respectful of yourselves. For example, you’re out to dinner with a friend and you order your absolute favorite dish, suddenly, your friend RUDELY reaches over and takes your food off of your plate- WITHOUT ASKING. “Um... rude,”  you might think. However, this friend does this kind of thing all the time so it’s nothing new, it bothers you each time they do it but it’s okay, right? Wrong. The fact that you’re offended by this friend’s gesture is enough for you to communicate and establish a clear Personal Boundary. This way, your friend knows where the line is and in turn, should know not to cross it next time…hopefully. So why do you continue to let them get away with this?

People Pleasing, Guilty.  

Hi, I’m Michelle Pham and I’m a People Pleaser. Really though, I would go as far as to call myself an impulsive people-pleaser (not an actual term). This means, even when I’m not trying to please you, I’m still trying to please you. You know that one person in your life that always goes out of their way to make sure you’re comfortable or PLEASED? That person that makes a 5-course meal for you when you ask for a sandwich or the person that gives twenty different types of Matcha mixes, teas, or powders because you told them you liked matcha one time? They’re the same person that would offer you the shirt off of their back or the last dollar in their wallet. Yeah, that’s me. Of course, an exaggerated version of me, but I don’t think I fall too far from the tree…

Because I put so much of my value in others I really struggle with people-pleasing. And because I am constantly trying so hard to please others, you can see where lays my problem with setting good Personal Boundaries. Honestly speaking, the moment I realized I had this problem was the moment this whole “journey to loving myself” began. Because it is. In order to love yourself, you need to know what you ARE and what you ARE NOT okay with. If your entire life is based on the approval of those around you, does the life you live belong to you or to them?

If you’re constantly concerned about what other people think of you,

Your Life Does Not Belong to You

In May, I was staying at one of my best friend’s house for a while. Let’s call them Ella. Well, at Ella’s house, they had a rule that was absolutely foreign to me. Get this, each person in the house washed their own dishes. I know, so weird, right? I mean, who would go to a sink full of dishes and only wash their own dishes? Come on, are you barbarians should I go out back and hunt for my own food too? I’m joking of course. It was great and I loved it. A little background for you, I come from a family where chores are normally pushed off to one person or when distributed there’s typically some sort of complaining or reason as to why the other shouldn’t have to do it. So, of course, this idea was alien to me but I digress.

My therapist had given me a new assignment. I was to find one thing that I typically do to please others, or in my justification “be considerate to others” and not do it for a week. Well, of course, I couldn’t think of anything that I currently do that pleases others and would be helpful to stop. So, my therapist prompted me to ask those around me who might be more aware than I am to help me figure out what it is I could practice not doing for the week. Uncertain, I walked out into the living room where my Ella was comfortably relaxing. As I prepared to wash my own dishes that I was already holding, with the plan of washing the dishes in the sink also in mind, I explained the situation to Ella. 

“Hey Ella, so my therapist wants me to work on my people-pleasing problem. She thought it’d be a good idea if I pick something that I do and stopped doing it for a week.”

“Stop washing the dishes.” Her answer shocked me. How did she know what I was going to ask her? More surprisingly, how did she know I was going to wash her dishes? 

“But the dishes are dirty,” I was able to force out the lamest excuse. 

“That’s fine. Stop doing them.” I think she was pleased with herself at this point. 

“Okay, but these dishes are dirty.”

“Fine, only do your’s then.” Man, shes good. 

Upon reflection of this event was when I realized my pattern. Each day I’d wash an extra dish or two in the sink, the next a few more, and finally, I found myself constantly washing the dishes in the sink. Of course, it was no bother to me. I was a guest at Ella’s house. It was only right for me to help her clean, but the issue here is she did not ask me to. As a guest, she didn’t even expect me to clean. Her only expectation was that I cleaned after myself. She was not asking me to clean after her or her other roommates. She was only expecting me to clean after myself…

Holyyyyy crap. Where else in my life did I do this exact thing? It was a typical Michelle pattern. An endless cycle. I set up expectations for myself then falsely pin these expectations on others as if they’re the ones making me do these things when in reality, I set myself up.

I Got a Friend In Me

Funny how as a people pleaser, I always find myself fixating on how to be more inclusive with those around me or how to accommodate better to the same people. “Would they like this? Would they be offended by that? Do they prefer this? What would they do?” And yet, I never give myself the same consideration. Why? Because I don’t know myself. Because I don’t know what I like and what I don’t like. I don’t know what I’m okay with and what I’m not okay with receiving from others. I spent so much time making sure I was the perfect person for everyone else and left myself behind. Would I like this? Would I prefer this? Am I offended by this? Do I want to do this? And once established, the most difficult question is, am I okay with this?

These questions opened a whole new door for me. It started a journey that I am eagerly still on. When I learned and accepted these things about myself, I’ve allowed myself to be responsible for My Self. My value isn’t and should not be in others. My value is established by myself within myself and, of course, from the Lord God who made me. The idea is this, if I value myself and take care of myself, I will prioritize establishing personal boundaries with others. Why? Because I’m being a friend to myself and what kind of friend would I be if I let others walk all over and take advantage of my friend. 

This is me, 

AsMyself.

Giving Myself Freedom

Hi friend!

I don’t know how you got here, whether it be me sharing my blog link with you or you stumbled upon this blog yourself, but welcome I’m glad you’re here! A little about me, my name is Michelle Pham I laugh brightly, feel deeply, and have and a very healthy obsession with Harry Potter. No- I’m serious, as I’m writing this, I am playing Harry Potter background music to accompany me (it also gives me Hunger Games vibes but I’m not mad at it). You can find the music link below. I don’t own this video nor do I take credit for it! I’m just sharing it with you if you’d like to listen to it as you continue to read this post. That way, you can feel more connected to me haha. 

What led me to start this blog. 

Quarantine has been crazy, hasn’t it? We are more than halfway through the year. Honestly, in a regular year, I could merit everything that has happened in my life recently but given that we’re pretty much all stuck in this isolation black whole state, I just can’t believe everything I’ve been through these past few months. I do plan on elaborating on this more in later posts but for now, I’ll just give you a brief rundown. 

Like a lot of Millennials, I too am very aware of my mental health state… maybe too aware. But I think it is a good thing. I found myself ending 2019 and settling into early 2020 extremely depressed. I’m talking no motivation of squat, completely isolating myself from the world, constantly in a state of low lows. I can only recall being THAT depressed one other time in my life and trust me, I’ve had my share of depressive episodes. Anyway, after what seems like an eternity of depression, self-loathing, and just pettiness and hatred in my heart, I found myself finally coming out of it. And with this new season of my life, I’m able to see myself in a new light. 

Honestly, I’m changing. For the first time in my life, I’m hopeful and welcoming change. I’m hopeful and WILLING to put in place everything I’ve learned from YEARS of therapy. Which brings me to my main point of “what led me to start this blog.” I wanted to gift myself a creative space. I wanted to gift myself space to freely express myself openly; to allow myself to try new things, to challenge myself, to revisit some old loves, and most importantly to have a place to record the journey. 

My hopes for this blog.

As I said earlier, I hope to share myself in this blog. I hope to express myself on this blog. I hope to write as often as I can. I hope to not only cover music to put on my YouTube channel (username: asmyself) but I also hope to be able to share my original music as well. I want to share my passion for food in trying different foods, restaurants, or sharing recipes!  Or a place I can run wild with k-drama craziness, or get lost in the mountainous Netflix shows/movies. Oh, and don’t think I forgot. Of course, my extreme love for Harry Potter and my mission to weave in Harry Potter’s magical essence in my everyday life!  I just want this blog to be a space I can openly be me you know?

My message to you. 

Whether you are a friend or stranger, I hope that you come along for this ride but not only to sit as a passenger… I hope this space, our space, welcomes you to take the wheels of your life as well - To embrace your true self, whoever you may be / wherever you may be. Thank you for joining me. And to you, my friends, thank you for encouraging and loving me as I learn to do what you’ve been trying to show me so well all this time. 

This is me, 

AsMyself.