Loving Boundaries

Hi Friend!

Let’s talk about boundaries. And no, I’m not talking about the boundaries we set around us like fences or gates or even borders between states and countries. I’m talking about in-your-face Personal Boundaries; The “you can’t sit with us” type of boundaries and the “I suck at saying ‘no’” type. Raise your hand if you are one of those people.

Do you even have Boundaries? 

Before I go on a whole post about boundaries first, what are Personal Boundaries? “Boundaries are personal property lines that define who you are and who you are not, and influence all areas of your life.” Henry Cloud, Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No, To Take Control of Your Life.

In laymen’s terms, Boundaries are imaginary lines that we set for ourselves and others to make sure that we are comfortable and respectful of yourselves. For example, you’re out to dinner with a friend and you order your absolute favorite dish, suddenly, your friend RUDELY reaches over and takes your food off of your plate- WITHOUT ASKING. “Um... rude,”  you might think. However, this friend does this kind of thing all the time so it’s nothing new, it bothers you each time they do it but it’s okay, right? Wrong. The fact that you’re offended by this friend’s gesture is enough for you to communicate and establish a clear Personal Boundary. This way, your friend knows where the line is and in turn, should know not to cross it next time…hopefully. So why do you continue to let them get away with this?

People Pleasing, Guilty.  

Hi, I’m Michelle Pham and I’m a People Pleaser. Really though, I would go as far as to call myself an impulsive people-pleaser (not an actual term). This means, even when I’m not trying to please you, I’m still trying to please you. You know that one person in your life that always goes out of their way to make sure you’re comfortable or PLEASED? That person that makes a 5-course meal for you when you ask for a sandwich or the person that gives twenty different types of Matcha mixes, teas, or powders because you told them you liked matcha one time? They’re the same person that would offer you the shirt off of their back or the last dollar in their wallet. Yeah, that’s me. Of course, an exaggerated version of me, but I don’t think I fall too far from the tree…

Because I put so much of my value in others I really struggle with people-pleasing. And because I am constantly trying so hard to please others, you can see where lays my problem with setting good Personal Boundaries. Honestly speaking, the moment I realized I had this problem was the moment this whole “journey to loving myself” began. Because it is. In order to love yourself, you need to know what you ARE and what you ARE NOT okay with. If your entire life is based on the approval of those around you, does the life you live belong to you or to them?

If you’re constantly concerned about what other people think of you,

Your Life Does Not Belong to You

In May, I was staying at one of my best friend’s house for a while. Let’s call them Ella. Well, at Ella’s house, they had a rule that was absolutely foreign to me. Get this, each person in the house washed their own dishes. I know, so weird, right? I mean, who would go to a sink full of dishes and only wash their own dishes? Come on, are you barbarians should I go out back and hunt for my own food too? I’m joking of course. It was great and I loved it. A little background for you, I come from a family where chores are normally pushed off to one person or when distributed there’s typically some sort of complaining or reason as to why the other shouldn’t have to do it. So, of course, this idea was alien to me but I digress.

My therapist had given me a new assignment. I was to find one thing that I typically do to please others, or in my justification “be considerate to others” and not do it for a week. Well, of course, I couldn’t think of anything that I currently do that pleases others and would be helpful to stop. So, my therapist prompted me to ask those around me who might be more aware than I am to help me figure out what it is I could practice not doing for the week. Uncertain, I walked out into the living room where my Ella was comfortably relaxing. As I prepared to wash my own dishes that I was already holding, with the plan of washing the dishes in the sink also in mind, I explained the situation to Ella. 

“Hey Ella, so my therapist wants me to work on my people-pleasing problem. She thought it’d be a good idea if I pick something that I do and stopped doing it for a week.”

“Stop washing the dishes.” Her answer shocked me. How did she know what I was going to ask her? More surprisingly, how did she know I was going to wash her dishes? 

“But the dishes are dirty,” I was able to force out the lamest excuse. 

“That’s fine. Stop doing them.” I think she was pleased with herself at this point. 

“Okay, but these dishes are dirty.”

“Fine, only do your’s then.” Man, shes good. 

Upon reflection of this event was when I realized my pattern. Each day I’d wash an extra dish or two in the sink, the next a few more, and finally, I found myself constantly washing the dishes in the sink. Of course, it was no bother to me. I was a guest at Ella’s house. It was only right for me to help her clean, but the issue here is she did not ask me to. As a guest, she didn’t even expect me to clean. Her only expectation was that I cleaned after myself. She was not asking me to clean after her or her other roommates. She was only expecting me to clean after myself…

Holyyyyy crap. Where else in my life did I do this exact thing? It was a typical Michelle pattern. An endless cycle. I set up expectations for myself then falsely pin these expectations on others as if they’re the ones making me do these things when in reality, I set myself up.

I Got a Friend In Me

Funny how as a people pleaser, I always find myself fixating on how to be more inclusive with those around me or how to accommodate better to the same people. “Would they like this? Would they be offended by that? Do they prefer this? What would they do?” And yet, I never give myself the same consideration. Why? Because I don’t know myself. Because I don’t know what I like and what I don’t like. I don’t know what I’m okay with and what I’m not okay with receiving from others. I spent so much time making sure I was the perfect person for everyone else and left myself behind. Would I like this? Would I prefer this? Am I offended by this? Do I want to do this? And once established, the most difficult question is, am I okay with this?

These questions opened a whole new door for me. It started a journey that I am eagerly still on. When I learned and accepted these things about myself, I’ve allowed myself to be responsible for My Self. My value isn’t and should not be in others. My value is established by myself within myself and, of course, from the Lord God who made me. The idea is this, if I value myself and take care of myself, I will prioritize establishing personal boundaries with others. Why? Because I’m being a friend to myself and what kind of friend would I be if I let others walk all over and take advantage of my friend. 

This is me, 

AsMyself.